Saturday Night
by KillerMay
Summary: Saturday became club night. Because even S-Class missing nins need to get alcoholic beverages while also having the opportunity to look at pretty girls so they can continue to tell themselves they're straight even if nobody else believes it. No pairings.


**A/N: This is complete and udder crack.**

**Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. Respect it.**

**Warning: Lots and lots of bad language, bad "humor", and mentions of inappropriate activities that you can only expect from someone like me...Slightly AU, with the fact that Sasori is alive while Tobi's there...This is PURE CRACK.**

**Some of it might be offensive, I'm not sure. The "I take offense to that" part of my brain seems to be missing...**

_It's a quarter after four, and I'm in need of a whore..._

Unfortunately, if you were in the Akatsuki, Saturday was most definitely _not _date night. It really didn't matter if that 'cute girl you killed had a grieving MILF that needed your assistance' (and Deidara had the nerve to wonder why Pein complained about teenagers...), it wasn't going to happen. You had duties, and they came first.

But, to make up for the lack of, as Deidara and surprisingly Itachi had so kindly put it, **the **most important thing in the world-Saturday became club night.

Because even S-Class missing nins need to get alcoholic beverages while also having the opportunity to look at pretty girls so they can continue to tell themselves they're straight even if nobody else believes it.

(Except Naruto.

He believes it.)

This became their sacred ritual.

And it just so happened to be Saturday.

"...Is Deidara even old enough to drink?" Itachi just didn't want him to go. He wasn't sure what kind of drunk Deidara was, but if it was violent-he didn't want to find out.

"Shut up, Uchiha. I have a fake ID, un." Itachi really hated his life.

"How the hell did you get a fake ID?" Hidan asked.

"...I might be only nineteen, but I'm still an S-Class criminal, un."

"...Are you sure exposing yourself to alcohol when you're only nineteen is a good thing?" Itachi asked him.

"...You're only two years older than me, un!" Deidara yelled at him. Seriously.

"And look how I turned out."

"Can't argue with that, un." Glare.

"Just let the damn brat go." Sasori made his entrance...Wait. That wasn't Sasori!

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Hidan. Standing before them, was some ginger kid that looked fifteen. Not some weird hunchback...thing with a tail.

"...Sa...sori?" He asked. While he knew he was in fact Sasori, he wasn't sure what answer the Jashinist was looking for.

"Sasori no Dannaaaa!...un!" Deidara cried. "They don't want me to go with themmm, un!" He continued to whine.

"Seriously. The damn brat's coming."

"How old are you exactly?" Kisame had made his entrance. The puppeteer sighed and pinched his nose to ward off the oncoming headache. He did not like being asked questions about his age. It made him feel like the Leaf Village's Hokage that his grandmother disliked so much...

"Thirty-five."

"Damn, you serious?" There was Hidan again. "I thought you were fucking twelve or something!" Sasori glared.

"Are we going or not?" Kakuzu asked, interrupting the moment before Sasori decapitated Hidan. He really didn't feel like sewing it back on because that wasted time. And time is money. So, by wasting time-he is wasting money.

Never mind the fact the second they leave he was going to be buying their drinks.

"But they're never gonna let the fucking heathen in!" Can you guess who that was?

*insert jeopardy music*

If you said "Itachi", you were wrong. It was Hidan.

Sasori sighed again. "I'll go get my puppet."

"Are we leaving now, Zetsu-sempai?" Tobi and Zetsu just made their way onto the scene, followed by Pein and Konan.

"I'm not sure. **Are we, Kakuzu?**" (A/N: Bolded is his black half)

"We have to wait for Sasori to...put on his puppet or something," Kisame answered.

"...Damn, we missed seeing Sasori's true form? **It's not like it's that big of a deal.** Well, SORRY for being curious. **You should be.**"

And then the Sasori everybody new entered.

"...Isn't it gonna be slower if he's like this, un?" Deidara asked. Having worked with the puppet/puppeteer for a few years, he pretty much realized he was slower in the puppet.

"Who the fuck cares? Let's just go, Jashin-dammit!"

*Jeopardy music*

If you said "Kakuzu", it was actually Hidan. Sorry.

"Hey...I just thought of something, un." Deidara said. Everyone looked at him, waiting for him to continue. "Tobi. How old are you?"

"Aaah...I lost count after ninety-three," The masked-nin answered. Nobody. Said. Anything.

And with that, they left for the club!

Once arriving, and surprisingly having no problem getting in, they found a small table near the back and all got the alcohol of their choice (some liking fruitier drinks).

"Okay...Deidara," Konan began. "I'm gonna bet that you can't go two drinks before getting wasted."

"Please, Konan, he can at _least_ do two and a half, he's in the Akatsuki for a reason," Pein argued.

"You're only saying that because _you_ can't go two and a half drinks before getting wasted!"

"LIAR!"

"...Uh...So, Sasori no Danna, how's life, un?" Deidara asked, turning his attention away from the arguing partners.

"Shut up, Brat. I'm trying to figure out how the hell I'm supposed to drink in this God-forsaken puppet."

"Don't you mean _Jashin_-forsaken?" (just. freaking. guess.)

"...Shut the hell up, Hidan," Kakuzu said.

"Well, _excuse me_ for having a fucking soul!" Hidan replied.

"How do you have a soul?"

"Because I've excepted Jashin in to my motherfucking heart!"

"...Yeah, the god that condones murder." They continued to argue while everyone-that wasn't arguing or trying to figure out if they're going to need to get out of their puppet to drink-stared.

"...Why are they arguing?" Itachi asked Kisame.

"I don't know, Itachi-san. Maybe they're already feeling the effects of alcohol?"

"...But...they haven't started drinking yet..."

"...Well, then...I guess it's just who they are."

"Hn." Itachi took a sip of his drink.

X

One eye stared at the glass containing the alcoholic beverage. Another eye joined in the staring, but instead looking at the other person who was staring at the alcoholic beverage.

In other words, Tobi was staring at his glass of sake, while Deidara stared at him. The Akatsuki were all in a semi-circle table located in a corner of the club, Tobi located in the middle. If he turned to the right so no one would see his face, he'd be looking right at his partner, if he turned to the left, he'd be looking right at Kisame.

_Well damn..._ He thought. He definitely couldn't show Deidara what he looked like, and Kisame had a damn big mouth...Probably had a camera phone too... Tobi sighed.

"So...Tobi, un," Deidara spoke up. "You gonna drink that or just leave it sitting there, un?" Tobi made sure to put on the 'stupid' facade again.

"Do you want it, Sempai?" He asked in that voice that even annoyed himself. "Tobi doesn't have to drink it if you want it."

"Tobi is a good boy," Zetsu's white half spoke up. "**Shut up and stop eavesdropping.**"

"Uh...huh...," Deidara said, looking from Zetsu and back to Tobi. "It's okay, Tobi, un. _You_ drink it." _Now, Bitch! Now! Take off the damned mask!_

"No, Sempai, I insist you have it!" Deidara narrowed his eyes.

"You tryin' to get me drunk, bitch?" He asked. "'Cause it's not gonna work. It's impossible to take advantage of someone from Iwagakure! You sick pedophile, un!"

"N-No, Sempai!" Tobi said, slightly afraid of Deidara at that moment. "I-It's not like that!"

"Then drink the damn sake, un!"

"Are _you_ trying to take advantage of me?"

"..." Deidara glared, he wasn't sure what Tobi was doing because of that God-forsaken mask. "I'm your superior. TAKE OFF THE DAMN MASK, un!"

"RAPE!" This what exactly what Mada-I mean Tobi, yelled when his sempai decided to try and forcibly take off his mask.

"Shut up, Tobi, un!"

"...That's really not helping your case, Sempai." Tobi stated. "If I scream that you're trying to rape me and then you tell me to shut up, it's like one of those things where you threaten my family if I tell anyone or something. Though, technically, you've already threatened my family several times...Not that I honestly give a shit, but I digress."

"Tobi, you're an idiot," Itachi spoke up.

"And you're a bitch that doesn't know when to shut up," Tobi muttered, low enough so no one could hear him. He had already been drinking before they left. He spoke louder as to address the other Uchiha. "Thanks Itachi-san!"

"I've threatened your family?" Deidara spoke up.

"Yes, several times actually." In Tobi's mind, running around, screaming 'I will destory all sharingan users' counted as threatening his family. "And you've tried to kill me like...nine times?"

"You shouldn't try to kill your partner, Deidara," Pein spoke up, a passed out Konan leaning on his shoulder and several empty shot glasses displayed in front of them. The blonde just kind of shrugged.

"He's not incredibly useful though..."

"He's more useful than you think," was the reply. Deidara rolled his eyes.

"You're drunk."

"YOU'RE GAY!" Very drunk. So drunk, that an elephant could step on him, crack his spine, put him in near-deadly pain, yet it narrowly misses every important organ so he's still alive, and he'd laugh. That kind of drunk where you don't realize you're drunk but you feel the need to pass out.

And that's exactly what Pein did. The pass out part, not the elephant-steps-on-laughing part.

"Well, fuck." - With love, from Hidan.

"I knew this was a bad idea," Itachi muttered so only his partner could hear him.

"So, Tobi," Deidara said, turning to his partner. "Have a drink."

He pushed a small glass over to the taller man.

"Now I'm sure you're trying to take advantage of me..."

**Aaand SCENE. Silly Tobi, he just wants you to take off your clothes...**

R&R? :)


End file.
